A spoons update on today
Argh. Today beat me.
I made it out to get food, but barely ate much. Maybe 1/3 of what I got. I ate in my car when I got back to campus. When I came inside, I wanted to use a restroom stall to adjust my boobs real quick (I still present as male on campus, so I had to use a mens room), but all the stalls were taken. I had to do it in the open and hope no one walked in while I was doing it. Scary moment.
From there, I went to a meeting with two of my advocates from different agencies and had to talk about all the problems in my bio class. This was VERY, VERY draining for me. I was already low on spoons, but this took almost everything I had left.
When the meeting was out, I started to walk to my Geology lab. As I was almost up the three flights of stairs, it hit me: I never put the lab packet on my iPad (my teacher puts them on a USB for me on Mondays since they’re too big to email). Without that on my device, I couldn’t do the lab at all. I almost immediately started panicking, and then the panic attack started. I tried texting Rachel, but this one was bad. Worse than I’ve had in a while, and I attribute it to my almost complete lack of spoons. Tears started streaming down my face and I almost ran all the way across campus to my car. I let the worst of it pass me, then I drove home. When I got here, I realize I was so freaked out, I forgot to take a xanax to stop it like I normally would.
I missed my lab, which is a big deal. I also missed my evening class, which is really not good.
I need to rest and recover spoons to go right back into this mess tomorrow, again.
I’m at school right now on one of my several hour long blocks of nothing to do. I’m in a private study room in the library, so it’s nice at quiet, at least, but still not as comfortable as being at home.
I need to eat. I’ve been away from home since 7AM and I don’t get home until 9PM. I’ve lost too much weight and don’t want to lose any more. There’s nothing I want on campus, food-wise, and it’s too crowded.
I’m sure there are places nearby which I could drive to, but my anxiety is so high, I’m having trouble bringing myself to do that. I just don’t seem to have the spoons needed to find a new place to eat and figure out how to get there, then come back and find a new parking place and then go to a meeting I have to attend at noon.
Things like this are one of the reasons I’ve lost so much weight (from 145lbs to 104lbs in less than six months). I didn’t want to lose any of that.
I wish I had a friend on campus that could help me find a place to eat. I’m alone here, though. All I have to rely on is the apps on my phone and they’re not always up to date.
Argh. I’ll update this and add whether I was able to get some food or not.Found my way to a Burger King 2 miles from campus. Dreading the parking when I get back. Even the handicapped spots are completely full.
I’m Fucked (trying to post again)
(Sorry to try and post this again, but the Tumblr app on my phone wouldn’t let me reblog it the way I wanted– full text. This is really important and a big example of how people never really work with autistics in a way they needed it.)
I’m stuck in an awful semester at college right now. Before I start at my choice school, they’ve sent me to get three pre-reqs out of the way. Problem is, these three classes are *SO* basic that they’re boring as hell. One of them is Biology 1. I have a Biology degree with honors, but since it didn’t include Bio 1 for majors– never mind that I’ve gone way above and beyond that course– I have to go back and take it again. The others are a basic math course, since the math I took in Oklahoma doesn’t count on this (college algebra doesn’t count as math?), and they wanted me to show I can take a full time schedule, so I took Geology, something I haven’t had before but isn’t too rough. While frustrating, I’m willing to do it to get into the school I want to go to.
Sadly, all the planning in the world doesn’t cover you from mistakes further down the line. I had all my classes and a perfect schedule set long before the semester started. When I submitted my schedule to the school, they said that the biology classes are backwards in NY from the order in OK and that I needed to switch from Bio 1 to Bio 2. I did as instructed, but since I got this information the Friday before the semester, the only open class was an 8AM section that was four days a week (M,T,W,F).
When I plan my school schedules, I work to make two things possible: I want all afternoon and evening classes. I have bad insomnia. I can be up to 5-9AM some nights. Because of this, I try to give myself as much time as possible to get any rest I can. Second, I don’t want classes on Fridays. I plan to have Fridays to de-stress, Saturdays to do housework, and Sundays to do school work. This has served me well.
With the Bio so early, and my other afternoon/evening classes so late, I’m stuck on campus for as long as six hours some days. I can’t go home between classes because I can’t afford the extra gas from doubling my commute. On Tuesdays, I arrive right after waking up, get home late and go straight to bed, then wake up and head right back to school the next morning. I’ve found no where on campus to de-stress (even the library, quit mentioning it). On top of that, the cafeteria is a nightmare during rushes and it closes when it’s not busy, which is when I would be able to go. That’s not good when I’m trying to stop losing weight.
My first two weeks, I dealt with this schedule. I quickly ran out of spoons and starting having regular panic attacks on campus. This is a big no no, as I abhor showing the difficulties with my disabilities in public. I do everything possible to hide those so people won’t see me struggle. This is very important to me. Also, the lack of spoons kept me from accomplishing any home work, for the most part.
The disability office offered a solution: change my bio class to an independent study since I know the course so well I could teach it. I emailed my teacher about it and got no answer. I sent another email going into detail about how little I would need. I finally cornered him in his office hours and he rushed me through a conversation and said it should work okay and he’d email me back soon. I understood this to mean we were good to go and he’d email me the details. He never emailed me. I emailed him several times. For three weeks. When I finally turned back to the disability office to facilitate communication, he emailed them and said I was badly mistaken, that he never agreed to it. Also, that I wasn’t communicating with him and not showing up to classes. I had to take an exam on one day notice or be dropped from the class (which I aced with no preparation).
I talked to the disability office about this and was under the impression that I was going to get some help communicating with this teacher to get back on track with the independent study. Today, I got an email saying I was mistaken about that, as well. Tomorrow, I have to go back to the schedule that’s killing me.
I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. I refuse to be beaten by anything academic, but this is rough. How in the hell has a semester of such easy courses become the most difficult semester I’ve ever experienced? That’s even compared to the ones where I came down with shingles.
Again, I’ll do it. I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off. But I’ll do it.