Hello, thank you for running this blog. I was wondering if you have any ideas on how to make shopping for clothes less overwhelming? I almost never buy new clothes until mine are full of holes because of a few reasons, but mostly because I…
A spoons update on today
Argh. Today beat me.
I made it out to get food, but barely ate much. Maybe 1/3 of what I got. I ate in my car when I got back to campus. When I came inside, I wanted to use a restroom stall to adjust my boobs real quick (I still present as male on campus, so I had to use a mens room), but all the stalls were taken. I had to do it in the open and hope no one walked in while I was doing it. Scary moment.
From there, I went to a meeting with two of my advocates from different agencies and had to talk about all the problems in my bio class. This was VERY, VERY draining for me. I was already low on spoons, but this took almost everything I had left.
When the meeting was out, I started to walk to my Geology lab. As I was almost up the three flights of stairs, it hit me: I never put the lab packet on my iPad (my teacher puts them on a USB for me on Mondays since they’re too big to email). Without that on my device, I couldn’t do the lab at all. I almost immediately started panicking, and then the panic attack started. I tried texting Rachel, but this one was bad. Worse than I’ve had in a while, and I attribute it to my almost complete lack of spoons. Tears started streaming down my face and I almost ran all the way across campus to my car. I let the worst of it pass me, then I drove home. When I got here, I realize I was so freaked out, I forgot to take a xanax to stop it like I normally would.
I missed my lab, which is a big deal. I also missed my evening class, which is really not good.
I need to rest and recover spoons to go right back into this mess tomorrow, again.
I’m at school right now on one of my several hour long blocks of nothing to do. I’m in a private study room in the library, so it’s nice at quiet, at least, but still not as comfortable as being at home.
I need to eat. I’ve been away from home since 7AM and I don’t get home until 9PM. I’ve lost too much weight and don’t want to lose any more. There’s nothing I want on campus, food-wise, and it’s too crowded.
I’m sure there are places nearby which I could drive to, but my anxiety is so high, I’m having trouble bringing myself to do that. I just don’t seem to have the spoons needed to find a new place to eat and figure out how to get there, then come back and find a new parking place and then go to a meeting I have to attend at noon.
Things like this are one of the reasons I’ve lost so much weight (from 145lbs to 104lbs in less than six months). I didn’t want to lose any of that.
I wish I had a friend on campus that could help me find a place to eat. I’m alone here, though. All I have to rely on is the apps on my phone and they’re not always up to date.
Argh. I’ll update this and add whether I was able to get some food or not.Found my way to a Burger King 2 miles from campus. Dreading the parking when I get back. Even the handicapped spots are completely full.